So now that I've gotten the "why I'm doing this and what I'm doing" out of the way, let's get to the nitty gritty. There's a lot going on in my world right now, and I'm being as upfront and transparent about my own issues as it's possible to be. I'd like to show you that what's going on with me is no impediment to me enjoying life.
I have chronic debilitating migraines. I can't work because of them. I have debilitating migraines several times a week. If I don't have a debilitating migraine, I have a less painful migraine. 24/7, I'm in pain.
Added to that, I was recently diagnosed as bipolar. Yep, I said it and I'm not going to hide it. It's not something I should be stigmatized for. There's a lot of misinformation about being bipolar floating around, and I hope that by sharing my life and experiences, I can combat the prejudice and ignorance that hovers around a bipolar diagnosis.
How does one go about only recently being diagnosed as bipolar, you might ask. It's simple. When I was diagnosed with migraines, I mentioned the symptoms that ultimately labeled me as being bipolar. Migraine symptoms and bipolar share a lot of the same characteristics. It wasn't until I realized that I was having these episodes without my migraine pain changing that my doctor realized it wasn't the migraines. He sent me to a therapist, who sent me to a psychiatrist after taking my information and determining that I was actually bipolar.
There are many types of bipolar. "Bipolar" is a blanket phrase that covers a lot of different types. There's bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymic disorder, mixed bipolar, and rapid-cycling bipolar. Having any of these doesn't automatically mean you're one way or the other. Being one type of bipolar doesn't mean you aren't some other type as well. Think of bipolar like a check list with a 1 - 10 choice system per list item. You can check off one or more items, and for each one, you can be mild or severe. Much like any other aspect of life, it's a spectrum. You might have symptoms so mild, even a trained psychologist will have trouble diagnosing you correctly. You might have extreme symptoms. This is what most people think of when they think of bipolar.
I'm considered mild bipolar 1 with mixed features--I've had at least one (quite a few, in fact) episode of mania, and I often exhibit signs of both mania and depression at the same time. I've never bought something I couldn't afford, nor have I made more than one life choice that I regret. Yes, I do what I call "2 am shopping" when I'm manic. I use my phone, find something that mildly interested me before the mania, and buy it. Luckily, the items have so far either a) been something I truly wanted even after the mania, but that I denied myself for some reason, or b) were returnable.
No one in my life has so far been surprised by my diagnoses of bipolar. In fact, the most often response I hear is, "Oh wow. Yeah, that really explains a lot." This tells you a few things. First, that the signs I exhibited were mild enough that people could shrug it off as normal behavior for me. But second, they did notice signs, and the diagnosis of bipolar explained how I act to them.
My family can all tell when I'm having a manic episode. I become very energetic and motivated, though I rarely finish the projects I start. I talk faster, with more enthusiasm about everything in my life. I suffer insomnia--luckily, the longest I've gone without sleep has been 36 hours. Usually I wind up sleeping 2-3 hours a night, when I'm an 8 hour girl.
With all that said, I do my best not to use being bipolar as an excuse for behavior or choices I may make. During an episode--and I'm often aware of my episodes, unlike most other bipolar people--I might make choices I regret. I won't ever say, "Oh, I did this because I'm bipolar." If I'm self-aware enough during an episode to say something like that, I'm self-aware enough to not do the behavior I'm trying to excuse. On the other hand, sometimes an episode will end, and I'll regret something. In those cases, I find it acceptable to say, "Well, I did something because of the bipolar episode. What can I do to fix it?"
I have some other health issues, but those two are the major ones, and are the ones that cause the most visible problems. I remind myself that my health issues do not define me. I define what they can and cannot do to affect my life, to the best of my ability.
I can live my life, or I can give up. I choose to live.
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